i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I lost the right to judge tonight
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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