i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
