dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize