I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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