Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
