I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
