Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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