I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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