I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize