i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize