I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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