It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
