we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize