Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize