I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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