i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
