I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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