the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
