the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The uberlube is also flammable
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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