the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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