The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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