Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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