Pappa wants mamma naked
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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