I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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