I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
