Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
