So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
