That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
you made out with another girl for some wings
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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