I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
