They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
