I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
