Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
