I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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