Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
