I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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