I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
