I cockslap morals
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
