you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
