I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
