I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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