I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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