Jerry, you need to find god
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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