my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
