he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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