There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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