I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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