really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
