Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
