He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
