My boss' voice literally gives me gas
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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