the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
