YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
