You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
