I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
