For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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