I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
