Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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