Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
