when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
