my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
