On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
