Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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