We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
